2008 is starting off with a bang! I feel opimistic about this year and I hope that everything turns out the best for me. Finally I applied myself and thought that I totally bombed but it looks like I have a new job and it couldn't have come at a better time for myself. I've been so worried about finances and all thast jazz and although I'm not making the big dollas I can finally not feel so embarassed for what I do. Ok, saying that its embarassing is a little harsh but I just feel that way since I've been there so long. I mean eight years at one job is great but not when it's the only one you know. So as of Febuary 4,2008 I start a new career as a WaMulian. I got in and Im glad, it's a change. I'm not sure if I'm going to be gung ho about this job but hey its worth a try. If not then I'm going to pursue the management program for the double R and see where that takes me. I don't mind managing but I feel that its too much stress and babysitting. I believe I can do the job but I just doubt that I will be happy with it. Theres so much more that I want to finish before I commit myself to something like that.
School is for sure one thing I know I want to continue to strive for. I just need to get on the ball with myself in order to get where I need to. I suppose that's why I am taking a short hiatus this semester and plan on starting school in the fall with city. I have already decided that I want to start the DA program and finish up in 10 months and start getting PAID! I'm getting up there in age and its about time that everything falls into place because there is no turning back time and fixing all the mistakes I've made with my education. I admit I F*d up because I was never in the right mind set and now as the pressure begins to hover over me like a dark cloud I feel I can finally do it. I'm not a little kid anymore and I can't be playing games with my life anymore. I'm ready to not be scared of growing up anymore. 2008 is my time to shine and I plan on making this the best year ever no matter what sort of obstacles may get in my way. I'm ready for it and just like my auntie said, 2008 is going to be GREAT!
Talk about the lowest point ever. I'm feeling a bit frustrated and things need to change asap. I'm nervous, this is so much stress i don't want but what can i do until something changes. It looks like school will have to go on hold for another semester, hopefully by fall things will fall into place...................
I believe it's that time again, where I reflect on the time that has passed.
I'ts been about 3 years since the b/f and I have been together. To be honest I didn't think we would have lasted this long. Suprisingly I wonder why have lasted this long. Don't get me wrong I love the guy but there just things that I feel I will never come to terms with. We started out relationship on a rocky note and thats no way to start anything. He has pretty much become my world, and with anything that has to do with the world, people are always trying to fix it. Why fix someone that doesn't feel the need to be fixed.? After the years I feel like I'm done. This past year, I've been realizing that there is so much more out there. There are things I would like to do and would love to try. I feel I need to fix myself before I attemp to fix someone else. I've come to the point where I'm just letting go, and I'm wanting my own time with my friends. I want to get out there and make new friends. For the people that know me they all know that I'm quiet. Quiet almost to the point of being mute. I've always been that way. I grew up being afriad to talk to people. I was never outgoing and the life of the party and now I feel that although I don't need to be the life of the party I want to a little more outgoing. I need to break free of my old life and with that I need to let some things go. As sad I will be I need to let him go......
The night has come to an end and I find myself sitting here with my mind racing with a 20 second delay.
It was a good night, one of those nights that seem so unreal. Smooth sailing on a calm ocean, I love it! I need a break from life. To tell you the truth, I'm burnt out. Work has been taking over my life and it's no day in the park. I'm just waiting for Tuesday, finally a day off~! Not that work has been incredibly bad, it's just been long. I haven't had time to just relax. Shoot the breeZe and chill for a minute.
I've been having some crazy ole dreams lately and no joke but man it's making me think. The dream itself isn't what scares me, I think it's maybe just so much things going onin my life that make me maybe want something more. Maybe I'm yearning for that type of love, a different type of love. I can say women are by far the superior creature. I saw some mass produced painting when I was walking around Ed's store, it was of a flower with a little quote, "Women are like tea bags, you don't know how strong they are until they get into hot water." As cheesy as it sounds now, I liked it. Some bitches may be some catty beings but GOOD LORD nothing can beat a strong woman.
Ever seen a black man walk on water?! Oh, P Diddy come on! How many times can you use that same line in your album? I do have to admit some of the songs mostly the ones with the females have been a great suprise. P Diddy will always be a cool producer music, the beats the sound everything made me nod my head. Now, TIMBERLAND is another story! That man is damn AWESOME! Everything has been great I can sit and listen to his work any day at any time. I've been finding myself listening to more rap/ hiphop, and theres no hiding why. Ed has seriously opened my ears to another world of music and everything I hear I probably would have never given second thought about but when I hear this music with him it sometimes just blows my mind.
I pay attention to every detail in a song and it drives me crazy! I swear sometimes I'm such awe of what I just heard I'm not able to produce any words. Immortal technique took me some time to actually hear. His word are amazing and now I see why he's banned in Australia and why he could be a threat to most in the US. He's well read and is aware of the corrupt world we live in. Dance with the Devil,that song every time I hear it, it sends a chills down my spine. He took a real event of his life and put in words that made me picture it as if I was watching it happen. Truly sad, a low point in someones life where they realize they did wrong and they were just as evil as the devil himself.
I am my mother, I had always strived not to be, but I've noticed as I get older my mother has instilled herself into us. I am strong , like my mother. I am explosive like her , I'm smart like her but with all the good qualities she has she also passed on the negative. My heart rules over my mind. We strive to help the ones we love even when it feels like we get nothing in return. We show our love by how much we can give. We try to be the best thing you ever had. The one you can't live without. We mean well but it does nothing. Its control were trying grab a hold of and its not so great. I realize this and its something I want to change because its something I feel I'll never fully grasp. I now know you cannot control somone and they will always do what they want and if you let things take its course things aren't so bad. Just let loose and live like without a daily planner. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of feeling insecure, and most of all i'm tired of not trusting. I want a love like no other and the only way I'm going to achieve that is by not being so closed hearted and letting someone in completely is the only way it is going to happen.
My blog always starts out with "it's been a long time...". The sad thing is, it really has been a long time since I've done pretty much anything. I find myself constantly thinking to myself, "what the hell have I been doing?" I think I wrapped myself too much into my boyfriend which isn't too bad but I found myself losing alot of things and people that are important to me. Well maybe I'm being too extreme with the word "losing" but I feel as thought I've lost pieces of me that only my friends can complete. My friends are a reflection of me, since I have choosen them to share this relationship with me and since I haven't been around lately, I've lost that little something that has given me that extra bounce in my step. I always have the itch to give them a ring but then I feel akward since it seems like its been a long time, that I think it wont be so cool to call. I don't know I'm being dumb but I just miss these people more than words can describe.
I am so unhappy, I hate my job and I always find myself uncomfortable. I hate being angry and annoyed at work. I can't wait to get out of there already. I need to take that first step. I'm just scared of starting fresh.
Hopefully, I can get out of this funk and figure everything out soon.
